QUESTION OF THE MONTH
Angel, I'm worried. I don't think my boyfriend is attracted to me anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy. I love him so much and he says that he is, but I feel like there is a void between us. He says I'm constantly complaining and he's always snappy with everything I do, he rejected me for sex! I don't know if it’s me, if it's just in my head or if there is someone else? I feel like he's going to leave me. We've been together for 6 months and I don't want it to end. Please any advice would help - scared anon.
Hi scared anon, when it comes to relationships it can be difficult to discern between actions and words. Relationships grow and change, as do we as individuals. These changes can be scary. We can sometimes feel as though we are growing apart instead of together. It's very easy to get lost in your mind constantly worrying about what your partner is thinking, if he's just telling you what you think you want to hear or if his attentions are elsewhere. In instances like these actions will always speak louder than words. Never assume in a relationship as this can result in a lot more negatives than positives.
Every healthy relationship you have in life boils down to compromise. In the beginning or honeymoon period, all our little quirks and annoying habits can seem quite cute and tolerable. This becomes sort of a silent relationship decider. If this person can tolerate my short comings and I can tolerate theirs, then there is a potential and worth. A leap of faith becomes justified. Sometimes when there is a growth or change within the relationships dynamic, situational, combined or individual the shortcomings of one another may become strained. Certain things that were once tolerable aren't anymore and behaviors that have always been there are now becoming more noticeable, misconstrued and obsessed upon. These relationship milestones can cause a lot of distance and resentment in even the most seemingly picture perfect of relationships. It is important that when you start feeling this kind of strain to sit down and discuss it in a rational way. Speak openly and honestly with one another. It is a warning sign, so it is best that if you do both love each other to acknowledge the things you both have to work on as a couple and individually to restore the balance once more and work as a team in supporting each other again.
Problems in the bedroom can be the result of many things. Sex and any form of genuine physical and emotional intimacy comes from a place of security. If a man feels like he isn't making you happy anymore, is feeling emasculated or has been on the defensive with you lately, he will have trouble feeling secure enough to engage, initiate or reciprocate your forward gestures. Sometimes the issues can be entirely nothing to do with you or with your relationship until it is assumed to be. He could simply be stressed out from work or finances and overthinking something himself. At the end of the day it always hurts to be rejected or unfulfilled by your partner. It is natural to feel like that but before you feel yourself beginning to over analyse or jump to conclusions, just simply ask him. Communication is always key to a happy and healthy relationship. Try bringing it up with him in a calm, safe and caring way. Remove yourself from the situation and just ask for example "hey honey? is everything alright? You've felt a bit distant lately and it wasn't like you to turn down sex last night. You know that if you ever need to vent or if you need some space, let me know. My job as your partner is to support you so please let me in so I can do that. I love you." It is a sensitive subject for a man so approaching it from a non-narcissistic and compassionate angle can be reassuring to your partner that you care about his needs and feelings too. It is also showing that you have rationalized the situation and are more concerned about the reason behind the action than the action itself. It is commonly assumed that men just live and breathe sex. This really isn't the case. Men need a break too and sometimes just like women they simply don't feel like it or are just too exhausted to engage. So, try to not internalize these actions as they can be quite innocent.
When it comes to relationships no one wants to get hurt. Trust your instincts but don't let them rule your decisions without fact. Be strong, confident and self-aware. Every relationship will experience highs and lows. It is how you recover from those lows that will determine the highs. Eventually every low you overcome will strengthen your relationship and make you both feel like you can overcome any obstacle together. Don't be afraid, see this, however it may turn out as an opportunity to learn, for self-empowerment and growth.
I hope that everything works out for you and that my advice helps to elevate some of your concerns.